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How to Write a Love Letter

Make a list of everyone with whom you have unfinished business. This can be “good” or “bad” business. Your list may include anyone you have strong feelings about; any relationship that has been “on your mind,” any encounter that has left you feeling hurt or angry. Think about all your relationships: parents, children, friends, brothers and sisters, husbands, wives, ex-husbands, ex-wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, bosses and ex-bosses, co-workers, teachers, therapists…anyone. Don’t forget to include yourself.

The list of lead-in phrases takes you through an emotional progression from angry blaming to love. On a blank sheet of paper, write the name of whoever is at the top of your list---for example, “Dear Mom.” Write the phrase, “I hate it when…,” and then put down everything that phrase brings to mind, everything about the person you hate. Continue through each phrase until you reach the end. Sign the letter, ”Love, (your name),” and date it. Then begin writing to the next person on your list.

Complete a letter to everyone on your list and put the letters away. (Don’t look at them or reread them.) A few weeks after you have written the first letters write another set of letters to everyone on your list, without looking at the first letters. Just write down what comes to mind and date the letter. A few weeks after that, write another series of letters and date them. Eventually you will sit down and find that you have nothing left to say. You won’t hate anything, or be hurt by anything, or be afraid of anything about that person. All the unexpressed feelings will have been released from your system. (The letters are really about you, not about someone else.) When the only thing left to say is, “Dear ______ I love you because…,” you can consider yourself emotionally up to date in that relationship. That is the last love letter that you need to write to that person, and if you like you can then have a little ceremony and burn all "their" letters.

STEP 1: EXPRESS ANGER AND BLAME

I hate it when…

I don’t like it when…

I’m fed up with…

STEP 2: EXPRESS HURT AND SADNESS

I feel sad when…

I feel hurt because…

I feel awful because…

I feel disappointed because…

STEP 3: EXPRESS FEAR AND INSECURITY

I’m afraid that…

I feel scared because…

STEP 4: EXPRESS GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sorry that…

I’m sorry for…

Please forgive me for…

I didn’t mean to…

STEP 5: EXPRESS LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING, AND HOPE

I love you because…

I love you when…

Thank you for…

I forgive you for…

I understand that…

I want…

I hope…

LOVE,

___________________________

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